Swimming in the air

It's disgusting out. Not really but when you shower and then ten minutes later you're covered in slime like sweat it feels like there's no relief. And since we're in at Petersburg Florida the water we're swimming in is the super salty gulf. Oh well I suppose I shouldn't complain about the fact that I'm spending my day off at the beach with my friends and a free place to stay. Not too shabby.

As for yesterday well we were definitely proven wrong in a great way. We showed up at seven which was load in time and paid the local "parking attendant" to ensure that nobody would break into the van. Man you have to love extortion in the shitty part of town. To give you an idea I saw a lady of the night grab two customers in less than a half hour. If that's not professional I don't know what is.

Anyway we loaded our gear in and then we waited. And we waited. Then we ate fish and chips. They were good. Then we waited. I changed my strings and played Trevor some new songs. He's always so supportive. I'm not sure what I de to deserve him but it rules. Then some locals came over and we shot the breeze while I fumbled through requests. I really need to learn more songs. Eventually we decided I nobody showed up we'd pack and flee town. This is not to say we won't play if there's only a small crowd. I mean the other bands hadn't even showed. But we stuck it out and little by little people trickled in. It was amazing. By the time I played there were more than enough people to have fun. I decided not to use the stage because I hate them and find them unnecessary unless there are enough people to warrent it. So, barefoot in the middle of the bar I played sad songs of hope to fifteen or twenty strangers and friends. It's tough to play quiet songs in loud bars but if the ears and hearts are willing it's amazing. And people were very kind to me and I felt loved. Then let me run played and even more people came. It was awesome. I'm definitely glad I was proven wrong and that the show turned out well. We also sold a few things each and were given a decent amount of gas money which always helps. I got also see my friend stacy which is always nice so besides the random panhandlers hanging around and looking into our van and trying to get money from us, the show ruled. Granted the line up was a little strange but overall really good.

We decided to head back to parkers so we could sleep comfortably and spend our day off at the beach. During the ride I slept but woke periodically to good songs and random conversation. There's something really comforting about dozing and hearing your buddies enjoy the late night drive as I'm fully aware of that peace. At one point I had a waking dream where it felt like my heart exploded out of my chest in a force of pure positive love. I realized that I was alive and living life despite breaking all if the rules our parents and society set forth. I constantly worry and often see the bad side of things but want more than anything to feel the pure love I know should exist and at that moment I did.

So I'm going to keep searching for it. And sitting outside cvs using their power with Trevor and thinking things are pretty good. I hope the same for you.

Euphamistically speaking

Last night was quite the cluster fuck. Sorry for swearing but is there a euphamism for cluster fuck? Perhaps fracas? I'm not sure it conveys the same sense of urgency. Anyway the main point is that last night just got completely out of hand. The day started innocently enough. Recently warren the drummer from the popular punk band "against me" left the band and opened a Mexican restaurant/bar in gainesville. Since we were in town and like Mexican food and like against me and like warren we figured we'd enjoy a nice meal there. And that we most definitely did. They make the guacamole tableside and have root beer on tap. I got the fish tacos and while name sounds oddly vaginal they were quite delicious. Blackened tilapia. Big time.

After leaving boca fiesta we headed to St petersburg fl. Our buddies Parker and drew from new Brunswick were vacationing down there which totally ruled. Parkers dad lives there now so we met the family including an adorable little puppy named duke. We then went down the street to the condo that parkers dad also owns. So conviennt for us. After some swimming, a few beers and an impromptu crab steam we headed for the show. This was to be my first night officially playing and I was excited but could tell this was not the atmosphere for me. I'd prefer not to play in bars if I could help it but you play the shows you get. I played a few songs to an unreceptive bar and then broke a string. Great. I was ready to just stop but knew I couldn't. Corey from let me run lent me his electric guitar and I played two more songs feeling dejected. The worst part of it all is that I should like playing regardless of whether anyone I'd listening. But like a big baby I want people to watch and love me. And like an idiot I only half noticed that while they weren't front and center a few people were really enjoying themselves. When they came up afterwards I felt like shit that I hadn't given my all. We've all had these nights but I hope they her fewer and farther between.

So I went outside to relax and vent and when I came back the band that was so complimentary was done. Again I felt like a jerk. Next up was let me run which was cool but then things got stupid. Words were thrown back and forth with this one guy and I spent the set running between them trying to make peace. I fucking hate fights. But this escalated when girlfriends of another band got involved. So people were asked to leave and the show finished with little fanfare.

When all was said and done we'd sold a few things and got paid a little money so overall the show wasn't a total wash and since a few people were super nice my mindset dedintely turned around a bit. But it was still a little heavy on my head. We then left and headed back to parkers place to drink some beers and eat bread dipped into olive oil. Always delicious and it was a nice way to wind down the night. Fairly late one of the bartenders and her boyfriend came to hang out and it turns out we know a bunch of the same people so that's pretty cool. After they left and everyone else went to bed drummer Trevor and I stayed up talking. These are the moments that make tours, the wee hour conversations where you feel like you really get to know your mates. I hope the next few tours have some good late night conversations.

This morning found me and Trevor skippin breakfast as we'd woken the birds but the other guys got up and went out. After washing the previous day from my body we left fir Miami and here we are. I'm not going to lie this area seems pretty shitty. But they're going to feed us and seeing as it's an English style pub maybe fish and chips? Oh and I need to go change my strings. Hope you're great.

You can't win 'em all

For every up there's a down. Have you ever felt fully out there only to see it doesn't matter? Have you ever wanted someone to care buy they don't? These are real, adult feelings that we've all experienced. And sure your buddies can buy you a drink and wrap their arms around you and sure that can help but I'm not really sure what the true remedy is. We're all just children who've grown a bit, learned a few coping techniques and generally try harder. But we still don't have the answers.

I've been thinking I've been actively searching for something for so long only to wonder if I've just been running away. I've done things no parent would be proud of and made decisions I'm sure many regret for me. But you know what? I'm still trying. And maybe not in the best way but I am. I'm not following rules set by those before me but especially not ones who can't claim pure and utter bliss. Why would you ever follow unsatisfied leaders? This is not to say those we emulate need always be laughing, but broad hearts and big smiles as often as possible, no?

We live in a world where people lie, cheat and steal without regard. We live in a place where we numb ourselves with drugs and alcohol to forget about the workday, where we live for the weekends, vacations and false sick days. This is not acceptable.

I'm not going to lie, I feel like shit today for a variety if reasons. But you know what? These reasons are mine and are based on decisions made by me. I have a big gnarly beard, and a huge (albiet shitty) heart. I'm sitting in a parking lot after playing a terrible show to people who could not have cared less. To clarify the main reason the show was terrible was my attitude and performance. But I'm also in fucking Florida with friends from home and a belly full of the last minute crab steam I threw together. Yes, i'd love if the world cared at all about the songs I sing but I suppose I can't change this. Regardless I can change the way I choose to live my life. And I'm trying to do this the right way. In not always succeeding but I do know I'm not sitting at home wishing I could escape. I experience boughts of lonliness, doubt and fear. But u also have those at home. The thing is that when I'm at home I never feel this alive. So until I'm ready to die I'd rather live. Fuck complacency. This world belongs to us.

Laughin'

When we first rolled into Jacksonville we went to the guitar center because Trevor needed to pick up a drum head. They were closed but some woman who apparently is a big deal in Florida saw them reject trevor and she asked them if they help him as a favor. Oddly they did though we still have no clue who this woman was. After that we went to panera and ate some food. Me being the industrious upon scavenger I am asked the girl at the counter if she could hook us up and at the end of the meal she came over with two big boxes of bagels for us. It's amazing what a smile and polite question can get you. The fact that the guys were amazed too didn't hurt.

After eating we split up and some guys got a hotel while a few of us went to the punk house where my buddies drew and Jason from the band evergreen terrace live. I was really excited to see them as I spent all last summer sharing a bus with them on warped tour. I loved hanging with them and missed our fun times. When we got there we drank some beers and caught up. Eventually they went to bed and we crashed out. In the morning we went to panera again to enjoy their free refills and wifi as well as the air conditioning. Once we'd relaxed enough we headed for the beach to enjoy the Florida sun. At the beach finding parking for a van and trailer is near impossible so we asked this bar if we could pull behind the building. Surprisingly they said we could provided we come in and have a drink. Twos our arms. So we enjoyed a drink and were asked to shotgun a beer before we left. I've never been asked to do that in a bar so I couldn't turn it down. After pouring maybe as much beer down myself (luckily I was in my swim trunks) as in my mouth we headed to the beach. The water was amazing, perfect temperature, and there were many beautiful people half of which would probably land us in jail, unfairly. Damn hormones in milk and meat.

I'm not going to lie, when I spend the day at the beach I love the idea of drinking a cold beer and eating some seafood. So we asked around and found a decent local spot. On the way we passed a tattoo parlor and on a whim we walked in to ask about prices. You see we've been talking about the possibility of a tour/bro tat for a bit so now seemed as good a time as any. The artist, Shannon, at first street tatttoo quoted us a good price and we said yes. Insane. When the content was suggested nobody could agree, and then something we'd been saying a lot came up. When we are having a great time with our friends we say, "we're laughin'" or you/I'm or any version of it. So rather than decide which version we simply decided on "laughin'" and amazingly ten of us agreed. And that was that. While half of us dined on oysters, crablegs and hush puppies the other half were getting ink put under their skin for life. Laughin' for life. Life. Amazing. I love it. And all of this before the show. It was a full day.

We'd been told that the bar where the show was going to be was more of a straight punk bar than anything but since we'd had such a great day we didn't really care if the show ruled. This tour has not had the greatest shows but we've had an amazing time together and since we're all broken goes home tonight we've spent the last few days just trying to have a blast. The bar turned out to be what we were told but all things considered it was a rad show. Afterwards we stuck around and closed the bar and just generally enjoyed what would be the tail end of our time together. At the end of the night we web back to the punk house for some shut eye.

This morning we reconveined at the panera as seems to be our custom. I really live all these guys and quite enjoy just brig able to sit around doing nothing with them, talking over coffee. It's a rare and beautiful feeling especially since there's so many of us which really allows conversations to bloom and grow. We then took our final leave of this breadbox and headed for Gainesville. The short drive took us to trevors cousin, randy. After a short respite we headed to the movies to see the hangover. Good time good friends. After a but more relaxing and pizza eating we got to the show, I read a local paper and then it was show time. So here we are, the last night with tourmates which is always sad, all of us in different states of our own hangovers, and me with the knowledge that tomorrow I start my playing leg of the tour. So that's that. I'm excited while dealing with a variety of internal issues. Here's to hoping for great things. I send my love.

You can't poop

No this is not about how being on tour often prevents regular bowel movemets, though to be honest, that is the less than pretty truth. No this is about the house in which we stayed last night. It's on the rare side that people are able and willing to house eleven gross dudes, but when they are we take full advantage of facilities and scrub, brush, rinse and relieve all parts of out beings. The issue here though is that at zachs house there was a septic tank issue and the professionals were not coming until the morning. Overall this is really not a big deal. We had comfortable floors, couches and beds to sleep in as well as bellies full of delicious burritos that Zach made us (bold choice for a house with out of commission toilets) so we were stoked. But when I woke up multiple times (my bladder seems to be aging much more quickly than the rest of my body) I needed to navigate the maze of hallways to the open air and find an unsuspecting tree to relieve myself. Sure there are way worse situations but this was funny.

This morning we backed the van and trailer around the septic truck and up the curvy driveway before being able to swing it around and head to get fuel for our vehicles and bellies. After a profanity filled hour or so at taco bell (I used hot sauce on my pb&j, which I called my Thai pbj) we jumped back in the vans for Jacksonville, FL.

I'm really excited to go to jax, because my good buddies in the hardcore band evergreen terrace live there and also Florida means I get to start playing more shows. The bummer though is that Florida also marks the end of we're all broken being on this tour. Sure finding houses for six is way easier then eleven but I really love these guys. I went to Canada with them and they're seriously great friends. There are two new guys but they rule as well and I coulnt ask for a better group of traveling companions. After this tour I head up to Burlington, VT to practice with a band called Ghosting and then hit a lot of the same places as this tour which is exciting. The interesting thing is that I don't really know the guys well. I think it will be fun to throw myself into unfamiliar situations and get to know new friends and learn.

So hopefully I can rest my sunburnt shoulders tonight and catch up with great old friends. I wish you the same love I'm feeling.

sunburnt shoulders

man oh man, what a great day yesterday. it started with a great breakfast of eggs, biscuits, toast, bacon for the meat eaters and lots of coffee. we stayed at our buddy michael's house and he took great care of us. after a long afternoon of hanging the day before we assumed we'd done all the hanging we'd do, but sure enough after a good breakfast and a few hour drive we showed up in clemson, SC and bought grillin' food and some beers. we headed down to a lake in town, lit the grill and commenced hanging. burgers, dogs (of meat and veggie varieties) and lots of corn. so good. after stuffing ourselves to the gills a few of us went swimming. the water was perfect, we were with friends, we were laughing. around 10 pm we headed over to katherine's house. it took a little while to get there, but when we did we were rewarded with a huge, beautiful house. four levels, seemingly a million beds and an out of order elevator. yes, an elevator. amazing. so for a few hours we drank beers and sweet tea vodka, laughed, told stories and loved life. eventually we all crashed out in what we called "the dormitory," because there were two bunk beds and couches, a tv, a huge bathroom. it was awesome. we had to get up earlish because a few of the guys had to sleep in the vans at walmart since vans weren't allowed in the complex. i'm sure we could've gotten away with it, but katherine didn't think it was a good idea, so we didn't. i felt bad for them, especially because it was such a nice house and could've fit everyone on a bed (which is insane, as there's 11 of us. this is such a rarity on tour but obviously a great one.) but sometimes on tours someone needs to step up and take care of business. i definitely appreciated them doing so, and was also glad i didn't have to. after waking up we went to a rousing breakfast at waffle house and headed for atlanta. i have a lot of friends here, but i'm not sure i'm going to see any of them. it's a bummer, but these things happen. oh, and if you're ever in atlanta, definitely go to little five points. we ate at the vortex, which i always like. i get the black and blue veggie burger with a salad. it's kind of my thing. overall i'm loving life. the We're All Broken and Let Me Run dudes rule, and i'm having a blast just constantly laughing and hanging. tomorrow we're going to go to jacksonville, FL where i plan on meeting up with the Evergreen Terrace dudes. i spent last summer on a bus with those guys on warped tour and they totally ruled. i miss them and look forward to a good reunion. ok, i'm going to go rest my brain. it hurts. i hope you're well.

Four loko...interesting.

Last night I met a girl who was drinking something called four loko. It was like joose but even more intense. Dave, I'm looking at you. Speaking of joose this wasted dude came into the show in Greensboro last night drinking dragon joose. He was one of these annoying drunk guys who walks into a show and air drums along but in a way that just feels uncomfortable. I appreciate the idea of when anything can happen but I don't like thinking that could be a fight or something especially at a show. And this guy kept grabbing the mic which bothered me. Anyway during let me run it wasn't that big of a deal becaus they were loud enough that he didn't really affect anything by when he came in during my second song and then tried to play my guitar and was yelling over
E it kind of sucked. The thing is that I was playing on the flop with no mic or PA because I'd rather be among my friends and pure. Our buddy rob asked him to be quiet and when h wouldn't rob asked him to leave. The issue is that this guy was so drunk that people though he was funny and kept him around for a good time but I just thought r was uncomfortable a d mean. And sure enough when this other guy felt drunk guy had crossed the line he punched him in the face and knocked him out. Fuck. As the kid say, this is why shows get shut down. So drunk guy got up and asked who hit him and tough guy knocked him out again. What the fuck. Now there's a ton of drunk kids standing around making it worse. And sure enough the cops then showed up. Come on guys this shit is ridiculous. So the show was over and we packed up and left. The crazy part is that as soon as drunk guy heard there were cops he stopped trying to milk sympathy and walked away jumped in his car and drove off. Three cops chased after him but ten minutes later we saw them and then he was walking on the street so I don't know if they caught him and let him go or if this joosed up gentleman was well versed in the art of evasion. Anyway forget the negative part of the night. I had a great show and del blessed and this came after a long day of relaxing and spending good times with great friends. I still can't believe how lucky I am that I can play quiet songs to strangers and they will listen. I met some really sweet people who appreciated my songs and it meant a great deal. I got a lot of great compliments but the two best were probably from boon who said he'd been hopping trains for two years and that my songs spoke of his ffelings and life and then rob from Nashville said he'd seen tons of songwriters and I really impressed him. I feel winning over train hoppers and nashvillians is tough and rewarding. So I had a great set and felt amazing and both my buddies bands were able to play before the show was shut down so that was good.

To bring you up to speed, the day before was laid back with us getting to Danville va around four pm, loaded in and then while everyone cracked beers I ate carrots and peanut butter. Due to an offhand comment that morning I started showing some of the guys some music theory stuff so since we had a few hours to kill I ended up playing professor. It's funny to see six guys sitting in a circle in the shade drinking beers, smoking cigarettes and listening to their buddy explain how a major scale is constructed. The guys were super nice, receptive and appreciative. They also said, "man if class were like this I wouldve actually gone," which I appreciated. So after some schoolin and beers the guys played a show to the soundman and each other. Then the sound guy left. Amazing. I suppose I feel if one knows the show won't do well perhaps one shouldn't book it. Just saying.

So with no reason to stay in town we heads to Greensboro. After a lovely late night meal at dennys, punctuated by trips to the van for drinks, we headed to walmart to catch some sleep. I haven't had to sleep in a vehicle for a
Few years which I definitely appreciate. But this was necessary. Had I called my buddy mike a week earlier or so we probably couldve go e to his house but I'm terrible at remembeing to contact people before I end up in their towns. Anyway when you sleep in a van with five other grown men you wake up disgustin no matter how cold it is. And this was the south in early summer. I woke up at seven with what corey described as feeling like a blatter filled with hot soup. The only times I usually see this hour are when I've yet to go
To bed. But I got up and went inside to pee. I came back and laid I. The parking lot in the shade of the van and when a few people got up we went inside to mcdonalds and got coffee. Though tired it was nice to just sit and relax for a few hours. We laughed told stories and enjoyed each others company. At one point I went food shopping and tried to buy cheap wine but they wouldn't sell it to me before noon on a sunday. Damn I'm never up this early and we'd been up for hours.

Finally we gathered everyone up and headed for the mall. I called my buddy Spencer who lives an hour away and he happened to be out so he came by. It felt great to be able to bring together so many people I love. Furthemore I knew later they'd all meet mike another grew friend. While we were all eating lunch spencer asked if we wanted to go to the bar so I suggested beers and frisbee in the park. Everyone loved the idea and we were off. It turned out the park was a little too out in the open so I called mike and he invited us to his house. So all twelve of us we rolled up on mikes house and took to the porch. For the next many hours we lounged played frisbee and generally loved life. What a great time. I'll tell you it was a marathon day of relaxing and I loved it.

This morning we woke up and cooked a breakfast feast, took showers and now are driving to Clemson, SC. We're hoping to see a movie or go swimming and I'd love to cook a meal tonight. Here's to hoping. I send my best.