Saturday, July 18, 2009

Back on the road

I feel as though I'm just now being forced to pay for all of my sins. Well let's not kid ourselves that's rather hyperbolic and probably far from the truth, but reardless it seems my chickens have come home to roost, so to speak.

The reason I've not written the past few days is two fold. It started because I was back in the jersey area for a bit and was catching up with old friends, trying to live a semi normal life if only for a minute. The second reason is because once you take a break from this crazy ride ad subsequently writing about it, starting up and writing again seems quite daunting. That's not to say that mini breaks are not sometimes necessary but I suppose I need to remain dilligent about writing should I hope you lovely readers will follow. I do know in a couple of weeks I will have some much needed time off with no shows and a place to lay my head, and it is during these days I plan on catching up on the book portion of this project. My goal is that by the end of the year (if I'm able to survive it) I will have a loose book version of my accounts that I hope to heavily oranise and edit and hopefully publish, even if that means doing so myself.

What's funny is that fairly early on I realized that I'd probably become quite the philanderer, or perhaps other unthinkable things. What I mean by this actually has a lot to do with a question a friend asked me a month or so ago. "so what happens after the year?" a completely valid but hard to answer question. I explained that I was not quite sure but relished the idea of finding some sort of clarity or perhaps answers to other often asked questions. And oddly, dear reader, at this very second while writing to you unnamed mass, Im feeling a moment of peace; furthermore, this is beautiful as I've been fighting through a storm of doubt, pain and sadness as of late. The thing is that one of the answers I gave my friend centered around the thought that perhaps sometime during the year I'd fall in love and have a reason to settle down, to have a place I'd like to call home. And sometimes you think you see a light at the end of this tunnel and othertimes you feel completly immersed in this darkness. And despite what the saying says about darkness and dawn, I find perhaps the darkest we see is after a flash of bright light. Catching a glimpse allows us to see some things and then when said light is extingushed we are temporarily blinded, left to fend fir ourselves in total blackness. But perhaps there is a dawn ahead. At this very second I have faith, despite the death metal band playing in the background.

So as this year progresses I hope to regale you with tales of woe and wonder, laughter and lament. I hope to write songs of hope and sing them at the top of my sometimes sad lungs. But I'll have faith. It's good there's rain. It washes away the sorry rainbow expressions. I'm not perfectly sure of this line from basketball diaries but the sentimnt is there.

Anyway the last week or so has been spent catchig up with loved ones, playing shows, and most of all, riding am emotional rollercoaster. Are you getting tired of this metaphor? If so i'm sorry but you truly have no idea. But it's real. It's life. My great friend Jacob just returned from spending a year in Budapest hungary and while we were speaking he said the one lesson he learned from this year is that nothing is that hard. Sure, things are tough but we get through them. Thaw actually a pretty great lesson to truly learn. We've been told this before but to fully digest it is priceless. It also got me thinking about how I'm three months into this year long pilgramige of sorts, he just finished one and my brother us scheduled to start 8 months in India starting in September. By the time he leaves I'll be five or so months in, which is close enough to half the year. The craziest part is that after the sixth month mark I feel the end is almost in sight. Not really but after conquering six months what's so more? This is not to say I can't wait for this to end because honestly at times this has been the most amazing ride of my life and I also know that when this year ends I'll still be me with all the same fears and hopes and dreams. While I will grow I'll still be pj. It's interestig. I suppose it's quite similar to the idea that wherever you go there you are. You can run away from yourself no matter how much we may want to at times. But that's Ok. If we learn how to live with and love ourselves we'll never be alone. Jacob was talkig about how in the end you only have yourself so find a way to make yourself happy. I can definitely appreciate this. However to add to it I hope to eventually find someone who gets it and wants me in their life as much as I want to be in theirs. Until then though I'll take to the roads and to the hills, making sure I stop to eat berries and make friends along the way. I invite you all to do the same. Thank you for being here with me and I send you my unconditional love.

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