Thursday, June 25, 2009

I knew it would happen eventually

Last night I looked in the mirror and asked myself, "what are you doing with your life?" I've heard this question before, both internally and externally, but I suppose I just wrote it off or suppressed it. But it came to a head last night. I'm not sure I could fully explain why, but I just knew want it felt like. It was lonely beyond anything I've felt in a long time. It did not feel good. But it's necessary. I chose I life of wander, a life where I always leave. But the hope is that this will help me find beauty, find life and perhaps love. The thing is that without searching I fear I'll never fin anything worth living for. It's a weird fear but one that keeps me moving, if at the very least, in my head and heart. I've not felt settled while settled in a long time. But out on the road I feel a great deal of peace at times, more than anywhere else perhaps. But I also feel more alone than ever, at times. So what is one to do? Risk fear and lonliness, hunger and poverty, for the beauty and peace that is possible from the world? It seems an argument can be made.

I'm sure for those of you who come here for excitement and adventure feel dejected right now. But isn't this the greatest adventure of them all? To spelunk into the depths of one's own heart and head? It's hard work but hopefully one that will provide positive results, ones that allow me to exist in the upper eshelons of happiness. I don't know for a fact but I think so. This is a wild adventure that will take everything out of me and fill me up with something else. I'll keep you updated on the adventures.

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